Drop the Knife

It's always great to start a tough topic with humor. Humor really is the best medicine. So when discussing anger management, I enjoyed this cartoon with Helda and her troubles...good thing she is in a support group. 

 Sometimes anger and frustration can do nothing more than inflict pain upon yourself and not the intended target and/or source of your anger. I was thinking about this topic lately and this brought to my mind a blog I wrote several years ago about the frustration of being Ignored. The blog specifically addressed the frustration of not hearing back from editors about the publishing of articles I had submitted and being "ignored". In the article I had drawn a parallel from the movie Fatal Attraction.  In the film, Michael Douglas has a happy life with a successful career and a lovely wife until things get complicated when he has a steamy affair with Glenn Close.  Douglas wants the fling to be just a fling and tries to sever the relationship, but Close will hear nothing of that. She wants him all to herself and begins stalking him and his family with the intention of getting what she wants. It's an unsettling movie that really reflects the darker side of obsessive behaviors and the creepier side of "love gone wrong".  

 An image in that movie keeps coming back to me when I obsess a little too much about communications with people.  In the movie, Glenn Close is getting deeper and deeper into her obsession and doing nastier things then just calling and hanging up.  The specific scene that comes to mind is Close approaching Douglas with a knife in hand. Her argument with him comes to a boiling point and she declares: "I'm  NOT going to be ignored!", while at the same time psychotically digging the knife repeatedly into her own leg while walking towards him. Yikes, I know....pretty gruesome, but it does get your attention and it got his attention.

Now I would not take a knife to my leg in frustration from being ignored, but sometimes my frustration from not hearing back from people or getting a response that is not what I expected....well...it makes me go a little bit crazy. 

Yet this inward turning anger and resentment has applied to other aspects of my life besides just being frustrated with editors and my writing life. With some of the stresses I have experienced in my life lately: most notably helping my Mom to transition to an assisted living apartment, my frustration that has turned inward only seems to hurt myself.   Holding on to anger or frustration, as opposed to honest discussions does not really help any situation, except it only hurts yourself. Just like the insightful Buddhist quote here, such anger usually doesn't accomplish what we anticipate it will.

  Also like the Fatal Attraction example, in frustration and bitter resentment I am only hurting myself so I am learning to Drop the Knife. I am learning that. Also sometimes it is good to be ignored...you can find peace. Some personalities, myself included, crave attention and of course I prefer good attention; positive reinforcement.  But when the attention is negative...well..that kind of attention is not so widely welcomed. There is a certain level of life experiences that have brought me to the understanding that to be ignored is sometimes a GOOD thing.  It can bring you a certain sense of peace and frankly exempt you from some of life's unpleasant circumstances.

When I am stressed, feeling resentment or anger, I do pray for clarity and peace. I collected a few of my "anger management" verses from the Bible in helping me in this endeavor. Here are a few of my favorites:

James 1:19-21  Know this, my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

 Proverbs 14:29  He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalts folly.

Proverbs 29:11 Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. 

This last one is my favorite. There is no denying that we get angry and have resentment, we are only human. Yet working to not give "full vent" to our rage and striving for calm almost always brings a better solution. So I am working on many things in my life to "Drop the Knife" and in doing so, finding a better sense of CALM.

An Extrovert Living in an Introverted World

On the spectrum of Extroverted or Introverted I have always been classified as leaning more on the Extroverted side.  I remember my Mother telling me that I could strike up a conversation with just about anyone at any given time....and make it a good conversation for both people. It's a gift, or a curse...depending on the circumstance. 

Our world has become Introverted, temporarily anyway...due to the infamous Pandemic of 2020.  Now the calendar has turned, the vaccinations are rolling out, cases of COVID-19 are decreasing and there appears to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, sometimes I still can't wrap my head around the concept of not shaking hands, not getting close for conversation and most of all NOT hugging your closest friends and family. As a "people person" and Extrovert, I am really starting to suffer. In the long run, I know I will be OK, but sometimes it feels like an uphill battle.

So in the process of waiting for "herd immunity" to be firmly established I have increased the time spent on solitary tasks and hobbies. I always enjoyed Facebook, but EGAD...I have to confess I have seen way too many cat videos and photos of: "try this new dessert!" I have had enough problems with putting on the pandemic pounds; that does not help. Yet, everyday I still keep scrolling. In small doses it is still a fun pastime when you can't have in person conversations.  Of course both of my blogs have had several  posts since this all began and I am happy to report I completed by book on the National Park Service.  OK...here is my shameless plug on that: available on Amazon: "A Walk in the Park...Journeys through our Nation's Greatest Treasures" . It was a fun book to research and write, and a good book if I do say so myself. (Would an Introvert say that? Hmmmm...) Here''s the link: https://www.amazon.com/Walk-Park-Journeys-Greatest-Treasures/dp/1792837771/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=A+Walk+in+the+Park…Journeys+through+our+Nation%27s+Treasures&qid=1611349971&sr=8-1

I also have started a new quilt, which I am hopeful will be beautiful when complete. But I fear that as soon as my world starts opening up with my social activities, the quilt may be put by the wayside. Perhaps it will become a project for next winter, not a project for the next pandemic...let's hope there will never be another as awful as this.

Either way you perceive yourself, an Introvert or Extrovert....which ever side of the fence you lean, I thought this Clint Eastwood meme was great. Everyone can relate to that and it really brought me a chuckle. If I recall, I think that looks like his film Gran Torino. You can't help but like Clint...a classic.

In any case, there are both Extroverts and Introverts struggling to get through this particular time in our history. So many believe that Introverts are able to handle the isolation of this pandemic better then Extroverts.  But a recent study suggests the opposite, according to a Forbes article. The study, conducted by Virginia-based research consultancy, Greater Divide, surveyed 1,000 American adults and found that those who scored higher on the measure of extroversion were less likely to be experiencing mental health issues due to stay-at-home or quarantine measures.

Some experts contribute the surprising results to extroversion being associated with more positive emotions, optimism and resiliency, while introversion has been linked to more nervousness and fear. The uncertainty of this pandemic may be more difficult for introverts.While the study suggests that extroverts may be handling the pandemic better than expected, it does not mean they are immune to anxiety or stress from the stay-at-home order. Both personality traits have faced mental health challenges during the quarantine and are stressed in their own ways. That being said, it would be good to support each other, no matter what our personality traits may be....

Big changes are coming our way and I am thinking we have much to look forward to. Additionally, the fact that spring is right around the corner always brings folks a sunnier outlook.  Start planning those flower beds!😄        Julie E . Smith

Courage: Going beyond your Comfort Zone

Take the first steps....

I have heard that personal growth and achievement can truly happen when a person goes beyond their “comfort zone” and does something out of character to really “shake things up”. Now this is hard to do because complacency is just so well…comfortable.  In my years of writing I have never written (in a public format anyway) about my own struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder. 

Yet, in light of the current changing social fabric, there exists a real need to change our attitudes about mental health issues. We need to stress the importance of free discussions about these health concerns.  It truly is a public health issue, not a “private concern” to be kept behind closed doors. If a mental health concern only affected the person afflicted, then yes, it could remain private, but all too often it affects family and others in the community.  My hope in having open discussions on this topic is that it will help others to be more willing to change and perhaps lead us all towards helpful, viable solutions. If nothing else, I hope people can become more open about discussing mental health issues.

I was prompted to write this after viewing a PBS special entitled: “God Knows where I am.”  It is the true story of a well-educated New Hampshire woman who was diagnosed with severe Bi-Polar disorder and psychosis. She received psychiatric care and had several family members working to help her cope with her illness. After years of fluctuating results in her progress, she had made the decision to refuse treatment and any medications. She secured a voluntary release from the hospital and with her new found freedom consciously adopted a homeless lifestyle.

She had left the hospital in early October and was able to find shelter in an abandoned farmhouse, not too far from a main road. There were orchards nearby and she collected apples to store up before the snows of winter hit. She kept an accurate journal of all her thoughts and how she would ration all the apples. She took a bucket and melted snow for drinking water. Even though she was free from the constraints of a hospital, she imprisoned herself in the abandoned farmhouse until she starved to death. This was a very powerful program that brings up many important issues about society’s treatment of the mentally ill and displaced. A panel after the program brought forward many of the problems of both the medical and legal communities in dealing with these issues. Patient rights have to be addressed and this issue was commented on by Carol Bernstein, with the American Psychiatric Association. She states: 

  

“These are disorders that affect how people think and how they observe things and how they understand things. When that abuts up against the issue of somebody’s rights of who they are and where they are…..we have a conflict in society.”

Recognizing and pin pointing these issues in dealing with mental illness is the first step in finding viable solutions and quality care.

My story has a much happier outcome than that of Linda Bishop. My illness first surfaced as post-partum depression and then I was later diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I was fortunate in that I received good care and had a wonderful family that supported me throughout. My illness was not quite as intense, profound or long-lasting as hers. I remember on several occasions my psychiatrist telling me: “Not to worry, you basically have Baby Bi-Polar”. I guess every mental illness can have varying degrees and levels, just as there are so many differing personalities.

Yet, the important thing to remember is that it is a silent disease, with no outward visible signs of suffering. Therefore, to help each other we HAVE to learn to talk about mental illness and take away the shame. It’s probably more prevalent then we realize.

It’s therapeutic for me to talk (and write) about my own struggles.  Perhaps this opens the door for me (and others I hope) to begin discussions on the topic. I hope this helps myself and others to go beyond the “comfort zone” and open our eyes to new growth.

Compass Choices: Finding the Moral Compass

There is so much talk of late, including concerns of our current President's "Moral Compass", that one can't help but wonder what people mean when they banter about that phrase. Or if they say something to the effect: "Well he's lost his way...he has lost his moral compass."  People have also continued with the directional analogy and say that individuals have taken a "wrong path" in life. Which begs the question: which path is right and which is wrong?

Yet the thing that really makes me scratch my head in wonderment is who exactly determines the parameters of our moral compasses? Obviously what is well within the realm of respectability and a "moral code" for one person would be completely unheard of by another. In this crazy world we live in, just how does one define and live by their own moral code and follow their own compass while still living comfortably in society and not being considered an outcast if they "go too far"?
 Cue Aerosmith:
"You talk about things that nobody cares
You're wearing out things that nobody wears
You're calling my name but I gotta make clear
I can't say baby where I'll be in a year.....
When I pulled into town in a police car
Your daddy said I took it just a little too far. " (Aerosmith, Steven Tyler,1975)

So the topic of  morality can be woven throughout many of the lyrics of rock and roll.  Lord knows I heard lots of interesting notions throughout my teen years and beyond.  The power of music still packs a punch no matter what the genre. Music and morality...now there is a topic for another day. So back to the compass....steer me in the "right" direction.

Our very first set of ethics and morals, of course, are given to us by our parents and/or the people that raised us as children.  Parents and mentors do their best to instill what they believe is the "correct" moral compass. Throughout our lives, that compass can be subject to changing directions, but generally what our parents have instilled within us, usually stays with us.

Religion would be the next major thrust in the effort to provide a moral compass to follow. Throughout time the church has been a compass guiding the masses as to what is considered proper behavior for societal standards. But the all encompassing definition of "the church" has splintered.  Look at how it started with Martin Luther in 1517 with the "95 Theses" nailed to the church door, attacking some of the traditional practices of the Catholic Church.  It was only the beginning of the questioning of authority. Perhaps Martin Luther paved the way, but throughout time the freedom to question authority and possibly instigate change has evolved and regressed....depending on the subject matter of what you are trying to change.  With religious freedom, comes the freedom of choice, and many individuals choose not to follow a particular religious denomination...if any. So if religion does not set the standards, for some, than how are the morals and standards established to assure that civilization can carry on without complete and utter anarchy? That leads to the concept of legislation and begs the question: Can you legislate morality? I guess the answer to that would be YES and NO.

In tackling that question, one only needs to look at contemporary issues that have been addressed by law, where an issue of morality is involved.  Issues that have been perceived by the public as a "right" and "wrong" side to them.  The legality of abortion is a perfect example. Even though legalized with Roe v. Wade in 1973, the Pro Choice and the Pro Life campaigns still are divisive on the issue. Both schools have thought bring a "moral code" to bear in the discussion and depending on how extreme each feels about the issue, they have a really hard time seeing any relevant points on the other side.

Another issue that is fraught with controversy and a moral dilemma is end of life choices. With respect to euthanasia and "assisted suicide", several cases have been tried in the Supreme Court because legislation still varies from state to state. Decisions like these are always tough, but it is even more complicated to try to legislate the decisions. Try as they will, law makers can't take out the moral choices that must be made in such decisions.  It is easier to legislate that you must stop at a stop sign in your car. No one will argue with the benefit to society for such a decision.  

So many tough decisions in life as we guide our journey with the help of our "moral compass." I leave you with a another cultural reference to the hard choices we have to make....Choose wisely.

Raiders of the Lost Ark~ 1981

Friends for a Lifetime

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." Eleanor Roosevelt
I have been reflecting lately on friendships, both the ones I have had for years and new friends I am now making these last few months. In light of recent changes in my life, many of my relationships have changed.  Sometimes life changes open our eyes to ideas and new concepts...both the good things and some not so easy to adjust to.

After our recent move out of state, my husband and I are loving our new life; making adjustments to our new life style.  Things are all quite well and good, but my only complaint is missing my female friends: my girlfriends. Now some will say that after a certain age women should stop referring to their friends as girlfriends, it just seems juvenile, some might say.  Well I am of the opinion that certain acquaintances are just acquaintances, but others are elevated to status of being a close friend...a girlfriend. When I am 90 years old I hope to have girlfriends.  The importance of girlfriends in women's lives should not be underestimated.  A favorite author of mine, Anna Quindlen, speaks to this topic:
            "Ask any woman how she makes it through the day, and she may mention her calendar, her to-do lists, her babysitter. But if you push on how she really makes it through her day, or, more important, her months and years, how she stays steady when things get rocky, who she calls when the doctor says "I'd like to run a few more tests" or when her son moves in with the girl she's never much liked or trusted, she won't mention any of those things. She will mention her girlfriends."
                (From Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, Anna Quindlen)

Girlfriends! Never underestimate their value.

Just reading that paragraph gets me choked up because it makes me realize the support I have had from my girlfriends through the years and now we live, what feels anyway, so far apart.  I am making new friends with new activities, but we don't share the history and the same emotional depth that I had created with the women that I have known for 25 years.

I spoke with my Mom on this topic and as usual she has some sage advice on the topic. She brought me to the realization that I will never be able to replace the friendships of the women that I moved away from....they stand alone as unique relationships that I can always cherish, in their own right.  My relationships with them were created when we were all raising our children together, having those same commonalities. After the kids moved on...we still enjoyed many of the same things and shared wonderful histories always peppered with stories of: "Do you remember the time when..."
Now that I have accepted the fact that I will never "replace" my friends with new ones in my new area, I can move forward knowing that new relationships I develop with friends will be different. New girlfriends will be based on new adventures in my life that have yet to be determined. I will not be going back in time to when I was raising my boys, so the events that connect me to other possible girlfriends will be different. Yet in the same token, new friends would never take away from the memories and the joy of the relationships I have shared in the past. With each relationship we learn and grow....just adding another chapter to the book of our lives.

I will always hold in my heart, the wonderful relationships and memories of the women in my life.  We will see each other again, of course, but not as frequently, because of the miles between us. There are certain friends that even if you don't see them very often, the bond is always there. You just simply "take up where you left off".  The people that you know like that in life are such a valuable source of joy....treasure and nurture those relationships.

To treasure, always...wherever you may live. JES

Author's note: Just returned from a visit with my terrific girlfriends & so true...they will always have a place in my heart & in my life.