Peace & Pain coexist

 Today was the last session of my GriefShare group, I almost didn't want the session to end. I feel a certain sense of sadness, but in the same token feeling very blessed that I learned so much as a participant in this group.  I truly believed that we all managed to help each other in our journeys; both in small ways and big ways...but always miraculous.

Just like the photo here...it is best to think of Grief like an ocean, ebbing and flowing in your life. I feel as if I have done a pretty decent job of "learning to swim."

One of the GriefShare statements is their mission to provide you with help on: "Your Journey from Mourning to Joy." It really helped me on my journey, and I plan on keeping my workbook to reference from time to time.  Just like any journaling a person does...it is so good to go back and see how things have progressed and also how prayers have been answered.

In my workbook, I noted several quotes, lessons and sometimes just observations that have helped with my healing. The grief process is different for everyone, but some of these lessons that were highlighted I feel compelled to share and record perhaps a "Readers Digest" condensed version of the ones that meant the most to me:

• Peace & Pain coexist: just like the title of this blog, I found it is so valuable to be reminded that pain and sorrow are both part of the human condition.  Everyone knows that, but sometimes we need an affirmation that we are not alone in suffering.  Everyone experiences grief. Just because you have pain, does not mean you will never experience joy again... even joy that can occur at the same time as sorrow. There are many biblical contexts that assure us that we can find peace after, or even amongst, the pain.  These are a few of my favorites: But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened. 1 Peter 3:14   

Another verse affirms pain and human suffering, but also declares the reassurance of a coming peace. Jesus states: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Many times, when we grieve, we feel guilty for having joy again. I know my Mom wouldn't want me to dwell on missing her, but rather move forward. Which leads me to my next point:

• Move Forward instead of Moving On: This bit of advice may seem just like a matter of semantics, but it provides a valuable insight into the way we heal. Sometimes people mean well by saying something to the effect of "She really needs to Move on..." which seems to imply forgetting the past.  Whereas Moving Forward allows us to remember the person we have lost, respecting and treasuring the memories while at the same time proceeding with carrying on with your life.  I know, easier said than done.  Yet, it is something to strive for.

• Grief is not Linear:    Just like the ebb and flow of the ocean it is good to remember that Grief comes and goes.  There will be good days and bad days.  I found comfort in remembering that you just don't go from point A to point B and then you're done.  It doesn't work that way. Thoughts and sadness will sneak up on you when you least suspect it. That's OK, it's just part of the process. The worst thing you can do is to be hard on yourself and think, "I thought I was done with this"...well apparently you weren't. Let it wash over you like a wave and then proceed.  A perfect example that happened to me occurred during a recent drive to Dallas to help my son move. On the way home we drove through Des Moines...not stopping.  The fact that Mom was no longer there, and we just drove by the skyline and familiar roadways...it suddenly hit me.... I miss her so much. All those years of trips to Des Moines and now it will never be the same.  Even if we did go back, as they say...you can never go home again. So, since I was driving, I felt compelled to stop at a rest stop and let the tears flow.  I didn't deny my emotions and I felt better by allowing myself to experience those feelings. It's part of the process and I have learned that the journey is not over yet. However, every tear heals.
  

• Gratitude changes our hearts: I have this phrase: "Gratitutde changes our Hearts", written on a post-it note by my desk as a gentle reminder to remember all the things in my life that ARE going right. Blessings can bring a smile to your face, even if it is through your tears.

I am so very thankful for this group in helping me in "processing" my grief and helping me to move forward with JOY. If you are interested in learning more about this group, their web site is: www.griefshare.org or feel free to contact me with any questions, I would be happy to help. 

Julie E. Smith

Emotional Rescue

  I find found comfort in this meme and not just because it has a lighthouse in it. Granted that does help further the cause.  Those who know me, know that I love lighthouses for both their architectural beauty and symbolism. I really like it because it demonstrates the life advantage of sharing your sorrows and drawing strength from others. Advantages that can help just about anyone in a whole variety of circumstances. I write these words today specifically from the benefits I have found from a grief support group that I have been attending: Grief Share. 

The grief in my life that I am currently dealing with started with the loss of my Mother and 4 months later that grief was intensified by my son's loss of his girlfriend and her three-year-old son. It has been so much to handle and a rough year for our family. I am no stranger to depression...and I know when I need to pursue help.  So when I was having issues being a caretaker for my Mom and all the stressors that went with that, I decided to seek help. Well, it is evident lately that many, many people have sought counseling in this crazy world we live in. The debilitating effects of the Pandemic can in large part be to blame that there just aren't enough therapists to go around.  I was put on a waiting list for a local therapist, then I had not heard from them for months so I called them several times.  I remember the woman apologizing and by way of explanation saying: "There's a mental health crisis in this country." That may very well be true, and a definite lack of therapists!  I felt as if I needed to do something, so I pursed other avenues for help.

 Many of us that are lost "out at sea" have had to find our own life preservers. For myself that is a combination of things including journaling, prayer and recently a support group.  I have always thought of myself as a "survivor", but sometimes a group situation can help and perhaps you recognize things that you might not have seen if you are taking the journey on your own. When I found the Grief Share group it was such a wonderful blessing and has really helped and continues to help me cope moving forward. It is interesting to note that the Grief Share program is available pretty much nationwide.  It is very easy to find a group in your area by checking out their website: www.griefshare.org. It is important to remember that the site is to help you find a group and additional resources if needed, but the group meetings are in person and so beneficial to gain support on a face-to-face basis.

Many of the things I have learned from the group seem so obvious sometimes, but when you are grieving you frequently don't recognize things that might help you with your grief journey.  One of the statements from the group sums up a lot: "Your Journey from Mourning to Joy". It is a journey, and it doesn't happen overnight.  One of the things that was shared was the fact that when well-meaning people want to help you to "get over" your grieving, that implies telling you to leave something behind.  Instead, it may be better to "Move forward" with your life and you can always keep the memory of your loved one with you. Some may feel that this is just a matter of semantics, but words can have powerful impacts on our perceptions.

 Another thing we discuss at meetings is there is no set timetable for various stages of grief.   Many people know that, but frequently we get caught up in the day-to-day tasks and don't allow ourselves time to grieve.  A perfect example of this was shown in a video from the group.  It discussed a widow who could not bring herself to sort through her deceased husband's things. She was just not quite ready to face that emotional task.  Many offers for helping with the task came from people who thought it would be a good and necessary step for moving forward. The women's response was one that I would like to remember myself if I ever need it. She replied: " I am just not ready to do that now, but when I am I would love your help."

It is so wonderfully said because it doesn't put yourself on the defensive and it also acknowledges that you really appreciate the other person's offer for help.  Very diplomatic and helps the other person to respect your wishes. 

So when I picked the title for this blog: Emotional Rescue it does designate emotional help that those who are grieving can pursue.  Yet, on a personal level it is indicative of how music helps "rescue" me frequently. So I am a huge fan of the Stones. Just think of Mick Jagger singing the refrain:

"Don't you know promises were never meant to keep? Just like the night, they dissolve off in sleep

I'll be your savior, steadfast and true

I'll come to your emotional rescue"

Yes, I know it's kind of a stretch to make a correlation between getting help for grieving and a classic rock tune by the Stones....but it works for me.  I guess it's just the comfort implied by the title.  In any case, we all need to find what works for us. Sharing with others works for me with a liberal dose of music as well. 

So, if any form of Grief enters your life...and it will at one time or another, be sure to take the steps to help yourself heal. It is a process and a journey.  Don't hesitate to ask for help when needed and reach out to me with a note if you'd like. I would be happy to listen.  JES

De Rail the Train

 There's is an old adage that folks say in jest: when someone claims to have lost their "train of thought" then the jab back to that is: "it never left the station".  In my case that is sometimes true, but sometimes the train has gone barreling down the tracks racketing out of control.  I have always thought of myself as an optimist, but sometimes I have a hard time keeping my thoughts both on track and headed a positive direction.

I originally wrote this blog in September of 2021. At the time, I was dealing with my mother's declining health, her transition to assisted living and on another aspect of my life: the continued rejection of my book from book sellers. (Almost purely because of my choice of publisher, not the content....now tell me is that fair?!?) I was a wreck, my self esteem was at an all time low and I doubted almost every decision I made. I never meant to publish this, but the lessons I learned, and taught myself, become helpful in learning how to cope with stress. My Mom, who died on Christmas Day of 2021, would be proud of me for "journaling" these stressors and perhaps disseminating to others ways of dealing with stress. So here is what I was thinking last September, but the lessons I have learned from stress and grief are valuable today:

De-rail the Train

Staring at the ceiling and watching how the shadows play on the textures there. Lying comfortably and making the effort to flex, then relax my muscles in anticipation of sleep. Much needed sleep.

I practice my meditation breathing. Inhale through the nose, Exhale through pursed lips. Always makes me think of my Lamaze breathing so many years ago….

And as a woman of faith, I know that prayer helps ....in addition to the breathing exercises.  I frequently practice a mantra I heard a few years ago that really helps me feel the comfort of God's spirit with me. When you inhale think of "Grace"...inhaling the Grace of God.  When you exhale think of giving away your burdens or "Pain" to God. This does wonders for me, and helps you stay focused if you are trying to relax and go to sleep.

I close my eyes thinking that will turn off my brain just like a light switch, but it is at these times that it just opens the flood gates of thoughts in my mind and allows them to flow in all different directions.  Formulating so many different scenarios. When the tracks of my mind allow the train to accelerate to scenarios that are about the “worst case scenario’, I find myself demanding to “De-rail the train”. As strange as it sounds, I find myself repeating the mantra: De-Rail the Train until I get the disturbing, negative scenarios out of my head and bring myself back to reality. It only takes a simple tap on my forehead and once or twice repeating the chosen mantra to help me.

In addition to a mantra, to help me remove negative scenarios, especially if it is things I have absolutely no control over, there is nothing quite as helpful to me as the joy of beautiful photography. Both in taking it, and viewing others art. One can't help but have a sense of peace and Zen when looking at a photo like this one:

  Some people claim that if you think the worst, and things turn out better, well….then you will be pleasantly surprised.  I don’t think that philosophy works well for me.  It just makes me have a better descriptive image of the worst case scenario and doesn’t do anything to alleviate my worry. For me, it is better to pray, and also to remind myself of several bits of key advice that I have discovered in learning how to cope with stress.  Some may view them as empty platitudes, but for me they bring comfort and guidance. The first is from 19^th Century French novelist Balzac:

 

The next is from Kahil Gibran, author of the Prophet:

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

This is something I should pay more heed to. It is good to plan for the future, but knowing that things can change is important to remember and many of those changes we don’t have control over.

So as I write these words I think of Jeannie, it would have been her birthday today. I hope and pray that you have found the peace you were so desperately looking for here on earth. May you and Alex be at peace. I think of you more often than I should and pray your souls, and my peace of mind....can finally be at rest. 

Perhaps sometimes I need to heed my own advice about finding peace.  I hope anyone reading this can find a little glimmer of hope and some wisdom in learning to deal with the many stressors that inevitable come our way.  Strive to be Happy and don't forget to breathe.

Not Folk Tales, but rather Faith

 There's an age old saying that when a Cardinal comes to visit you, it's a departed loved one coming to reassure you and a signal that they are at peace.  I always thought this was a lovely comfort to those that are grieving, but in the back of my mind it felt like mourners "grasping at straws" to find somewhere to get comfort during the grieving process.  Well, I now feel a little differently because I can now say: "It happened to me" and became a demonstration of my faith at a time when I really needed it. 

 After my Mom's Memorial service, my husband and I were leaving the hotel we were staying at and putting our bags in the trunk.  The sun was shining, and the birds were chirping away as we made our way to the van. My husband looked at a nearby tree and said," Oh Look, Julie....a Cardinal." I gazed up and saw a tree filled with at least a dozen black birds and one lone Cardinal. I immediately thought of the "when a recently departed loved one comes to visit" story.  It was surreal but in a strange way comforting to me. The tears started to flow, and I looked up and said, "Hi Mom." I knew I had to regain my composure, so I could drive. By the time I wiped my tears and collected myself, I looked up and all the branches were bare. 

Thinking pragmatically, even if you don't believe that a Cardinal is literally the spirit of a loved one it gives me comfort in knowing that, and believing that, the Holy Spirit is at work here.  Sometimes things that happen in our lives just can't be explained away and categorized as coincidence. Matters of faith and matters of the heart are well....just that: taken by faith.

My faith has renewed my spirit and helped me through many things in my life.  Most recently, it has helped and is continuing to provide comfort for the grieving process. Many Bible verses address GRIEF, but this is one of my favorites that encourages hope for tomorrow:

"Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalms 30:5

This simple verse says to me that weeping and grief are indeed part of the process, but there is hope for tomorrow.

Those of us that are left behind when our loved ones pass, take comfort in knowing that the memory of them is still with us, always a part of us.  The following poem was read at my Mom's service and helps us to find comfort in the fact that YES, we will remember:

‘We Remember Them’ by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer

At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.

It's a wonderful reminder that time marches on, but we can still remember our loved ones and they continue to be a part of our lives. Good choice of poems, Mom.

So when you see a Cardinal, no matter what the circumstance, I hope you find JOY in the beauty of seeing it. Take a few moments to think of someone you have loved and lost. 

 

 

Does Grief burn calories?

Painting by Jill Battaglia

 I am exhausted all the time...I can't help but wonder: does Grief burn calories? I certainly hope so. I woke up this morning with the intention of going to the gym, trying to get my life back to normal...I am exhausted all time. I sleep and I still wake up exhausted. I am doing all the things I am "supposed" to do: eating healthy, trying to sleep, limiting my alcohol and I just can't seem to fit in EXERCISE. This too shall pass, I know my grief is young and I have to work through it. In the mean time I am trying to take care of myself.  So here I am doing the thing that brings me peace...writing. Ironically, the day I decided to provide myself some self-therapy by writing, is exactly one month to the day that my Mom died peacefully...on Christmas Day.  There are mountains of paperwork on my desk with tasks that I need to take care of, but just for a few hours today I will sit and write. Mom would have liked that...she knew how much writing means to me. She read all my blogs and articles. Now that she is gone, I frequently wonder if anyone at all, other than myself, will read the words on this paper.  Nevertheless, it is good therapy and cheaper than drugs. (Albeit just as addictive)

I woke up this morning, sore and stiff. Yesterday, I had shoveled a light snowfall off the driveway (Hubby did the other half), light housework and some work on organizing Mom's memorial service. Nothing too taxing...so why am I so exhausted? The clincher was when I woke up to see that it was 13 degrees below zero, no gym for this gal today. Call me a wimp, but I am going to do the thing that makes me feel great...writing. I have so many other things that I should be doing, but writing helps give me clarity and focus, not to mention keeping my mental health intact. Keeping my sanity is tantamount to burning calories and losing that pesky weight I have been trying to get off for about the last 10 years.  If I completely lose my mind, would it really matter if my jeans fit too tight?

          I understand that grief comes in stages and it ebbs and flows just like waves on the ocean.  Just when I think I have myself together, the tiniest little thing, seemingly insignificant memory will make me spiral into sadness and tears. It reminds me of this poem that I came across that really has helped me make sense of at least part of the process of grieving:

          “You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once”  by Donna Ashworth

 You lose them over and over,

sometimes many times a day.

When the loss, momentarily forgotten,

creeps up,

and attacks you from behind.

Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,

they are gone.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,

and as you awaken, so does your memory,

so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,

they are gone.

Again.

Losing someone is a journey,

not a one-off.

There is no end to the loss,

there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,

when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,

they have a journey ahead of them,

and a daily shock to the system each time they realize,

they are gone,

 Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every day,

for a lifetime.