Sometimes, something just clicks to help you make a decision that you have been grappling with for a long time. After almost 2 decades of dying my hair, I just recently made the decision to stop and let nature take it's course to reveal my silver and/ or gray hair. Time will tell if it will be more silver or gray, I guess it depends on your perspective. Yet, the epiphany for me was a random video about a woman who was encouraged and "liberated" by the simple act of embracing gray hair and living an "authentic life". That spoke to me and just like that CLICK, I was ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I bet many women can relate to the quandary of such a decision. For some it's a specific age that would factor into the decision. I used to say, "I won't stop coloring my hair until I'm 60." Well 60 has come and gone and these past few years I've been on the fence with the topic. This week it felt good to make the decision. Embracing the silver is so much more than simplifying your beauty routine, it also brings with it a certain self-acceptance. It reaffirms aging as a process to be celebrated, not a flaw to be corrected.
I talked to several women about this and many said that felt very satisfied with the decision to embrace their natural hair color. I friend of mine stated that she was so happy with the end result that: " I should have done it sooner". Some women also say that it provides a realization of inner beauty and embracing who you are in the "here and now", not some manufactured version of what beauty is supposed to be.
Of course I just got started, so it may be anywhere from 6 to 8 months to return to my natural color. I know genetics play a huge factor into when one goes grey and by how much. My Mother, who had beautiful wisps of silver in her dark brown hair, lived to 94 and never did go completely gray. My original hair color is a darker brown like hers, so I imagine I won't get all over gray, but time will tell. Mom never dyed her hair and I remember her saying the common colloquial expression: "I earned those gray hairs!" (On a side note, I was probably the wild child that gave her many of those grays) So instead of covering them up I will proudly display the gray hairs that I have earned.
Which leads me to another thought about silver and gray hair as a badge of honor. Sometimes this society celebrates youth, which is fine, but the older members of society have a voice too. A voice that is crafted by lessons learned in life. Wisdom achieved that can be carried on to the younger. As our world changes it best to remember that it works BOTH ways: the young can learn from the older and the older and learn from the young. It's also touched upon in the Bible in several places. Proverbs 16:31 states: Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is attained along the path of righteousness.
I'm not sure how righteous I am, but it does help me remember that I have been blessed to live this long to have gray hair. Every passing year is a gift. Julie Etta Smith
My Family has loved the Simpsons cartoon for years. Scott and I were married in 1988 and the Simpsons debuted in December of 1989. We have a shared kinship with them and almost the same anniversary. When our boys were growing up we shared countless nights of laughter being entertained by the antics of this family. Some episodes may have been considered "edgy" and controversial, but they always seemed to be spot on and dealt with all kinds of contemporary issues of the American family. They may have exaggerated to make a point, but the writing on the show was done in such a way that people really could relate to many of the circumstances of this family. If you are a Simpsons connoisseur like my family, not only do you know the core family characters: Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie, you learn many of the other characters in the town (No state!!?) of Springfield. I was intrigued to find out that much of the inspiration for the show came from Portland, Oregon.
I just recently found out that the creator of the Simpsons Matt Groening, was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. At any other time I would probably not give it a second thought...but next month we are planning a trip to Portland. This just adds to the excitement and challenge of finding some of the connections that Matt Groening made to the city when crafting his show. If you didn't already know it...The Simpsons is the longest running American animated series. Bravo! Good for them, it's a great show. But in my humble opinion, the older episodes were better. Maybe back then they were not afraid to poke fun at certain institutions to make a point.
In any case, I found out that there are so many fun connections to Portland. For starters Matt Groening's parents are Homer and Marge. His sisters were named Lisa and Maggie and Bart-an anagram for Brat-is a stand in for Matt himself. He grew up on a street named Evergreen Terrace and many of the character names were taken from street names in Portland. Here are just a few: Burnside, Flanders, Lovejoy, and Quimby. I was going to give the reader tips as to which name matched with which character, but if you are a Simpson fan....you know. Montgomery Park was cited as the inspiration for Mr. Burn's nuclear plant. Also, in 2021 a Ned Flanders footbridge was built named after the Simpson's endearing and sometimes annoying neighbor.
When our family watched the show, we could really relate to some of the situations. My family has always teased me that I am frequently an optimist, sometimes overly so. They draw a parallel to me of the episode of Marge at the racetrack:
"Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a funtime?".
In our family, we frequently spout Simpsons dialogue when the situation requires it. When I hear "Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time?" then sometimes I know that maybe I'm trying to hard to "make" everyone have a fun time. Yeah, kind of strange, and perhaps a little passive-aggressive, but sometimes it works for the Smith family.
Keep Portland Weird, photo by Jimmy Emerson on flickr
I just know we will have fun looking for Simpsons connections as well as the Keep Portland Weird murals. I wondered why they had a doughnut named "Homer" at Voodoo Doughnuts...now I know why. Classic Homer.
I wonder where that expression: "For the Birds" ever got started? It seems to imply it's just left overs and not the choice food or activity. The birds around my house are not just getting scraps and slim pickings. Only the best for my little featherd friends. My son made the comment once..."Gee the birds eat better than we do!" Yup, it's a hobby of mine: I'm a Bird watcher.
When I was a younger woman, I did not understand the interest in Bird Watching....now I do. There is a certain serenity in the watching, identifying and photography of birds. The older I get, I am fullfilling a stereotype that "older" people bird watch. I guess it is a sterotype for a reason; as a retired person I have more time to enjoy watching, listening to and snapping a few photos for my "Birder's book." Perhpas when I was younger I was involved with other things and did not feel compelled to use precious free time looking at birds. Yet, when one is trying to reduce stress, the opportunity to relax and view the flight of an Eagle soaring high or listen to the song of a Chickadee...well it is time well spent.
Rose-breasted grosbeak
I remember my Mom was very good at bird identification and several gifts my sister and I gave to her were bird related. I know my sister gave her several feeders. I had given her a beautiful throw festooned with several colorful birds. After she passed, I now have that beautiful throw to warm me on chilly evenings. Once for a birthday gift, she gave me the most fantastic "Birder's Bible": The Peterson Field Guide to the Birds. She showed me how to use the book to idenify species and also how their coloration depends on the season. It has become a great tool for birding and I frequently think of Mom when referencing it.
Magpie in Anchorage, Alaska
The beauty of Bird Watching is that is doesn't take fancy equipment or alot of money to partake in the hobby. Just looking around your environment can bring a multitude of sightings; and not just in your own backyard. When travelling, it is such a treat to see birds you don't normally see at home. When my husband and I were at Glacier National Park we saw a Stellar Jay, cousin to the Blue Jay, but a vivid and unique color of blue. Also, when visiting my family in Alaska I always see Magpies and try to capture them in a photo. They are kind of "bullies" in bird world, but they have the most beautiful plummage.
I saw a video the other day that made a great comparison between Pokemon and Birding. Remember Pokemon? My sons were crazy about them. The Pokemon creatures' images were depicted on cards for gameing. The cards were collected, traded and played with. Also the Pokemon phenomina spread to almost every kind of merchandising you could imagine including a tv series, clothing, waterbottles and lunch boxes. Just about every elementary school teacher had to deal with that craze. I remember the tag line was: Gotta catch em all! So you gotta catch them all, bird species that is. It has been said that Birding is just Pokemon for adults. There are so many varied and unique types of birds in this world that one will likely never "catch them all", but the quest is sure fun! Keep your binoculars and camera ready!
Julie Etta Smith
“A bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” — Maya Angelou.
Creative people have frequently been considered "different" from the norm of the general population. In more specific terms, the artistic temperment frequently manifests itself with manic-depressive symptoms. Modern psychiatry has taught us that when we look at the life stories of the truly creative writers, painters and musicians, many have exhibited strong indications of manic-depression or more recently referred to as Bipolar disorder. It piqued my curiousity to find out that there is a rather extensive list of many artists throughout history who have suffered from some type of mood disorder. A partial list contains: Vincent van Gough, Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, Lord Bryon, Mozart and Hemmingway. Just to name a few...These are some of the most recognizable. The definition of the illness has changed over the decades, but it can be determined that these artists were most likely Bipolar by the exhibited behaviors and symptoms that were recorded.
Thoughts about this topic recently came to me after reading this intriquing book:
Touched with Fire: Manic -Drepressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's not a new idea, there has been a correlation between artistic temperment and mani-depressive states for as long as the two have existed. Yet, this book takes the time and research to actually establish the correlation. It presents in-depth reasearch on the lives of several famous writers and authors. Granted, some of the book is dry and "technical" but she does a wonderful job of supporting her thesis and backing it up with facts and figures, not just suppositions.
One quote from the book, that highlights the link bewtween art and "mental distress", also points to the dilemmna of a hesitancy to pursue treatment for fear of quelching the flames of creativity. Jamison states: "Many artists and writers believe that turmoil, sufferring and extremes in emotional experience are integral not only to the human condition but to their abilities as artists. They fear that psychiatric treatment will transform them into normal, well adjusted, dampened, and bloodless souls--unable, or unmotivated to write, paint or compose. These fears have greatly intensified as a result of the availability of a wide range of highly effective mood-stabilizing medications."
Edvard Munch- The Scream, 1893
I know all too well about that fear of loss of creativity and the feeling of "flat" emotions from the use of "mood stabilizing" medications. I went thru a whole bevy of meds when initially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder over 20 years ago. I remember that "flat" feeling and just going through the motions of my day. I was so glad to be connecting with reality, but I just didn't feel like myself.
So when I started Lithium to help my symptoms, it became evident to me that this particular drug could help me without feeling like a "bloodless soul". Lithium is the most commonly prescribed medication for Bipolar and generally the most effective. Nevertheless, for some people it becomes a tradeoff and a difficult choice to make: sometimes the creative process is enhanced by manic episodes. Prescription remedies seem to botch (in the patient's opinion) their "humaness" and creativity. Yet, the alternative of experiencing continued manic episodes and low depressive episodes takes it's toll on the human body.
Bipolar illness not only worsens over time, it becomes less responsive to medication over time. Episodes and hospitalizations can increase and sadly, when left untreated, can result in suicide.
While I don't put myself in the same category as some of these great writers who have suffered for their art, I find some comfort in the fact that as a patient diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, perhaps there is something inside me that is actually creative, not just "crazy". I don't have the enormous talent of Virginia Wolf, Hemmingway or Poe, yet I have indeed suffered for my art. Not just my art, but also the desire to have a so-called "normal" and happy life.
Once I finally accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar and determined the proper medication, then things were smoother sailing. Studies have shown that people on lithuim experience few side effects of any kind and less than one third report any significant negative changes in intellectual functioning and reasoning. The creativity was still there, but when going down pathways to find my creative yearnings, I walked down a well lit path, instead of stumbling in the darkness. Perhaps some of my creativity had changed and even stifled, but I was still able to function and not detached from reality. Hemmingway said it right: "There is nothing to Writing, all you do is sit down at a typewriter and Bleed." So true. But I would add: just make sure you have the Band-Aids handy. Julie Etta Smith
Dealing with a diagnosis of mental illness, and learning to accept it, is ironically enough, like dealing with the 5 stages of grief. It is tough to accept the reality of your situation, just as much as it is to accept the reality of your illness. My life became a whole lot easier once I accepted a diagnosis of Bi-Polar and found the proper medication that worked for me. I went through a slew of different meds and 2 different psychiatrists before I finally found a lifestyle and ONE medication that worked for me. As I draw this parallel with the five stages of grief, I think it is best to start out this conversation with a description of those stages.
The Kubler-Ross model, named after the physician who developed it, shows five distinct phases that people experience when dealing with a loss. The five stages of grief are listed as:
1) Denial
2)Anger
3)Bargaining
4)Depression
5)Acceptance
In a grief experience, this generally means the loss of a loved one. As applied to coping with mental illness, this can also mean dealing with a loss--the loss of a lifestyle and/or your perception of who you are as a person. It was hard for me to accept the fact that perhaps I was not processing things the way most people do and perhaps I needed some chemical assistance to do so. I remember my psychiatrist telling me once that there is no shame in having to take medication for your brain to work properly. A diabetic takes insulin, you just need a supplement of lithium for your brain. That explanation helped put things in perspective.
Roy Scheider as Gideon in All That Jazz
My first exposure to the 5 stages of Grief were depicted in the movie All that Jazz by Bob Fosse. Yet, at the time, I did not realize the concept applied to grief. In the movie the same concepts were applied rather to one's own impending death. That is the way it is portrayed in the movie as the main character, Gideon, grapples with his own life situation. It's a great movie with an intriguing storyline and phenomenal dance sequences. Roy Scheider stars in the semi-autobiographical story of a self-destructive director/choreographer. In the movie the incredibly beautiful "Angel of Death" visits him on a regular basis in his dreams and sometimes his drug induced visions. All the time he discusses with the angel, and sometimes his reflection in the mirror, the 5 stages of his impending death. Yes, it is a dark comedy, but one with an interesting message about how some of us cope with what life throws our way.
So when I think about how the stages apply to a diagnosis of mental illness, each and every stage fits perfectly when I think about dealing with my diagnosis of Bi-Polar. First and foremost, I do think that society's pre-conceived notions of mental illness have definitely changed for the better. Knowledge is power and the more people understand about different mental illnesses, the more they will be able to be empathetic. Just like this poster here, we need to stop the Stigma.
With the stigma of mental illness that is still sometimes perpetuated, that easily leads to the first stage: Denial. Nobody wants to be thought of as "crazy", it must be something else. I remember when I was first diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Initially it was thought of as Post-Partum Depression and "this too shall pass", but years later I had difficulties again: post-menopausal. So, it must be hormonal. Well, that may be true, but I have come to accept that the brain chemicals and the body chemicals do work together (or fight each other). Having the brain and the body in harmony is obviously essential for complete wellness.
The next stage: Anger is a complicated stage that I definitely went through but found it really hard to cope with. My anger was focused on the illness and not the people I love, it made it hard to demonstrate that to my family. Especially when I was initially dealing with Post-Partum Depression. It was so frustrating for me to demonstrate that I loved my baby boy and would not hurt him for the world. In many ways he helped my healing because I wanted to be there to care for him. Another aspect of Anger that I found so frustrating to deal with is the sexist notion that women shouldn't get angry. Outdating notions of this still exist. When a man gets angry, he is just being strong and assertive. But when a woman gets angry, well... she's just being a bitch. It's hard to fight these stereotypes, some of them are so ingrained in our psyche, but maybe we can try to rise above them.
The third stage: Bargaining to me seems to be bargaining with God. If you are perplexed as to how you got this way in life, then perhaps you would bargain to change this or that. If only I could give up a certain behavior, then perhaps the rest of my life would be smoother. Maybe some of my symptoms would disappear? Vowing to yourself to change something might actually help improve your situation. Yet, finding a medical professional that you trust is probably the most important thing to help you.
The fourth stage: Depression is probably the stage that is the hardest to define. We have all had days when we just had incredible sadness and frustration, but usually those days pass. Yet, sometimes it's more than that. The Mayo Clinic defines clinical depression in this way:
Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.
So, finding out if you are just feeling blue or clinically depressed is incredibly important. My diagnosis of Bi-Polar depression had "depression" in the title so for me it was a package deal. Lucky Me. Yet, the hardest thing for me to accept has been that my depression has not necessarily been "situational" depression, but rather a chemical characteristic of my body that I just have to treat and learn to live with. I have dealt with it over the years, but as you can imagine, EVERY medication has side effects, some worse than others.
The fifth and final stage: Acceptance is a tough one to swallow and there are days when you can bounce back up to the #1 stage: Denial. These stages, as they apply to Grief and also to Mental Health, helps one to understand that you are not alone. It is important to remember that some people skip stages, while others get stuck in other stages for what can be an unhealthy amount of time. The process is different for everyone, depending on their circumstances.
Several factors have helped me with my challenge of learning to stay afloat with a Bi -Polar diagnosis. First, my Faith has helped me immensely to help me feel loved no matter what. Second, my family provided support and love in spite of some of my more "difficult" moments. Last, but certainly not least, I educated myself on my illness, various medications and utilized my strength and power to have a say in my OWN THERAPY and Healing. Keeping your autonomy, does wonders for your self-esteem and in turn healing. Of course you need good doctors, friends and family to assist, but remember you are the one that knows what is best for YOU. It can be a long hard climb, but worth the effort.
As I write these words, it is the very last few days of March and there is a steady snowfall outside my window. So typical of March to have 70 degrees and sunshine on one day, then snow and wind the next. Nevertheless, at this juncture it can be frustrating. Just about everyone I know is so ready for Spring. It is the same back and forth pretty much every year, yet sometimes we never get used to that. We have to have HOPE that Spring will eventually come. I took this photo several years ago on a springtime walk in the woods. The White Trillium is a woodland flower that comes up in April and May. It is such a delicate, beautiful flower and signifies to me the coming of spring as it bursts forth above the fallen leaves of the previous autumn. Not only is it a pleasure to behold, I found out that in some cultures and philosophies, the 3-petal structure represents balance of the past, present and future and also the connection between mind body and spirit. Such an impressive connection for something so wonderfully simple. Sometimes simplicity is the best.
So as we wait, impatiently, for the White Trillium to appear and the moment when we can safely put away the snow shovels away, I am reminded of a mindset that helps me carry forward. The concept of Hope and how there are certain tools we can use to foster that hope. One of these tools is one of my favorite Bible verses: Hebrews 11:1 which states:
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
The spiritual aspect of this verse has always brought me comfort, but on the more pragmatic level, the green grass, flowers breaching the surface and the warmer temperatures are yet to be seen and felt...but we have faith and hope that those days will arrive. Of this, I am sure. Every March I go through this. I am wanting to visit nurseries and start to plant flowers and plan my vegetable garden. Yet I have to reign myself in and practice both patience and hope.
There is also more to utilizing the art of practicing patience and hope than just horticulture and the changes of the seasons. I get frustrated and borderline depressed when I think of the current "State of Affairs" of our country and all the changes that are taking place under the Trump administration. I really want, and need, to think positively about the future of this country and the future of the world.
So many things these last few months have shocked, angered and dismayed me that I don't know where to turn for solace. I find solace in HOPE. I look for ties from the past that at the time seemed monumental but eventually had a way of working out. I do what I can to help make my community and world a better place. Yet, I also have to protect my own mental health and well-being. Yet even the simple concept of hope is such an important tool in making things better: "If there is hope in the future, there is literally power in the present." Zig Ziglar
That being said, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward based on the premise of HOPE. Julie Etta Smith
I have been freelance writing and blogging for 10 years. It is interesting how my writing has evolved, and I hope has improved. After just finishing my Mom's biography I feel a real sense of accomplishment and it was a labor of love. I was generally happy with the final result, although writers are their own worst critics. It was so hard to determine what to put in and what to leave out. Yet, I like to think that my Mom would have been happy with the book and there are so many wonderful memories and photos to cherish for the people that knew her well.
So now that it is complete, I pondered what project am I going to work on next? Many different book projects come to mind....but for now I'm going to go back to my blogs. There is so much satisfaction from telling your stories, viewpoints and life experiences and putting in print. As Maya Angelou once wisely said: "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Wise woman. I agree with that need to share various aspects of our human condition with fellow travelers in life.
When I decided to rejuvenate my blogs, I researched the various platforms all over again. So much has changed in 10 years. My blogging journey has taken me from Blogger to Word Press to Wix. At the time, the reasons for those changes made sense. Yet, I thought about where I am today with my writing and what my "needs" are. I thought about the simplicity of Blogger...the platform for my first blog. Not a huge amount of design options, but the editing was simple and intuitive. Plus the price was right: FREE.
When I was trying to promote my book, I was concerned about followers, SEO and getting numerous comments on every blog-not anymore. I am more concerned about the simple joy of telling my story. If others want to read it and share comments with me...great. However, I am not going to lose sleep over it. All those other concerns seem secondary to many writers who are interested in making money. Yes, actual money from one's writing. What a concept. Or there is the secondary route of advertising on your blog. I did try that, but it didn't work for me. Visually unappealing to go to my blog and see the main text of my blog almost obliterated by ads. Anyway, not for me. What it boils down to is that making money is not a priority with my writing. The above meme says is all.
So in my quest to get back to my roots and following the main purpose of why I love to write, I looked up my original blog: Outlooks & Inspirations on Julieetta1982.blogspot.com
Low & Behold it was still there and every blog I had written since February of 2015 is archived in it. Thank you, Blogger. I guess it wouldn't just disappear, unless I deleted it. But nevertheless, it gave me a feeling of security knowing that my writing has been kept for posterity. I went in and revised the layout and colors, slightly, just to make it new for me and new for 2025. Happy 10th Birthday Outlooks & Inspirations. I plan to keep you going. Julie Etta Smith
