Peace & Pain coexist

 Today was the last session of my GriefShare group, I almost didn't want the session to end. I feel a certain sense of sadness, but in the same token feeling very blessed that I learned so much as a participant in this group.  I truly believed that we all managed to help each other in our journeys; both in small ways and big ways...but always miraculous.

Just like the photo here...it is best to think of Grief like an ocean, ebbing and flowing in your life. I feel as if I have done a pretty decent job of "learning to swim."

One of the GriefShare statements is their mission to provide you with help on: "Your Journey from Mourning to Joy." It really helped me on my journey, and I plan on keeping my workbook to reference from time to time.  Just like any journaling a person does...it is so good to go back and see how things have progressed and also how prayers have been answered.

In my workbook, I noted several quotes, lessons and sometimes just observations that have helped with my healing. The grief process is different for everyone, but some of these lessons that were highlighted I feel compelled to share and record perhaps a "Readers Digest" condensed version of the ones that meant the most to me:

• Peace & Pain coexist: just like the title of this blog, I found it is so valuable to be reminded that pain and sorrow are both part of the human condition.  Everyone knows that, but sometimes we need an affirmation that we are not alone in suffering.  Everyone experiences grief. Just because you have pain, does not mean you will never experience joy again... even joy that can occur at the same time as sorrow. There are many biblical contexts that assure us that we can find peace after, or even amongst, the pain.  These are a few of my favorites: But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened. 1 Peter 3:14   

Another verse affirms pain and human suffering, but also declares the reassurance of a coming peace. Jesus states: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Many times, when we grieve, we feel guilty for having joy again. I know my Mom wouldn't want me to dwell on missing her, but rather move forward. Which leads me to my next point:

• Move Forward instead of Moving On: This bit of advice may seem just like a matter of semantics, but it provides a valuable insight into the way we heal. Sometimes people mean well by saying something to the effect of "She really needs to Move on..." which seems to imply forgetting the past.  Whereas Moving Forward allows us to remember the person we have lost, respecting and treasuring the memories while at the same time proceeding with carrying on with your life.  I know, easier said than done.  Yet, it is something to strive for.

• Grief is not Linear:    Just like the ebb and flow of the ocean it is good to remember that Grief comes and goes.  There will be good days and bad days.  I found comfort in remembering that you just don't go from point A to point B and then you're done.  It doesn't work that way. Thoughts and sadness will sneak up on you when you least suspect it. That's OK, it's just part of the process. The worst thing you can do is to be hard on yourself and think, "I thought I was done with this"...well apparently you weren't. Let it wash over you like a wave and then proceed.  A perfect example that happened to me occurred during a recent drive to Dallas to help my son move. On the way home we drove through Des Moines...not stopping.  The fact that Mom was no longer there, and we just drove by the skyline and familiar roadways...it suddenly hit me.... I miss her so much. All those years of trips to Des Moines and now it will never be the same.  Even if we did go back, as they say...you can never go home again. So, since I was driving, I felt compelled to stop at a rest stop and let the tears flow.  I didn't deny my emotions and I felt better by allowing myself to experience those feelings. It's part of the process and I have learned that the journey is not over yet. However, every tear heals.
  

• Gratitude changes our hearts: I have this phrase: "Gratitutde changes our Hearts", written on a post-it note by my desk as a gentle reminder to remember all the things in my life that ARE going right. Blessings can bring a smile to your face, even if it is through your tears.

I am so very thankful for this group in helping me in "processing" my grief and helping me to move forward with JOY. If you are interested in learning more about this group, their web site is: www.griefshare.org or feel free to contact me with any questions, I would be happy to help. 

Julie E. Smith