The Third Wave

image from Feminist Disney, Tumblr.com

"You've come a long way Baby"...Remember that commercial for Virginia Slims? We don't want to smoke those fat cigarettes men smoke. In a twisted way, it was on the brink of being a feminist rally cry when the jingle was sung: "You've Come a Long Way Baby...to get where you've got to today." The commercials (circa 1967) even discussed women's suffrage and how far we've come. We even earned the right to die of lung cancer and heart disease. Golly, just great. Not sure why I lead with that...but it was a cultural oddity that came to the surface at the beginnings of a cultural Feminist revolution. Getting fancy, feminine cigarettes was just the tip of the iceberg.

As Feminists, we need to realize that to level the playing field, so-called "feminist issues" are not just about women, but affect both men and women. Men need to be involved as well because after all...the men we share our lives with have a vested interest in our well being and life style.

My interest in this was piqued by a recent news story about the state of Minnesota passing a plan to allow 6 weeks of paid paternity leave for all Minnesota state employees. This applies to the mother and/or father upon the birth or adoption of a child; maternity leave alone is a separate issue. I applaud the state of Minnesota for this progressive thinking: they have become only the fourth state in this country to provide such an employee benefit followed by California, New Jersey and Rhode Island. At this point, it only applies to Minnesota state employees, and some speculate that it may be quashed in the next legislative session. Time will tell, but I think it is a step in the right direction. It is difficult to sell everyone on that concept; from an employer's perspective and an economic standpoint...how does a company afford that? There are many unanswered questions, but I like to see societal support of both women and family rights. Some private companies like the Mayo Clinic and Target also offer the same employee benefit. That's encouraging.

Like Betty Friedan said "Men weren't really the enemy". The perception of feminism has definitely changed from when I studied Feminist Theory at the U. of I.  Many aspects of our lifestyles as women have gone from "theory" to reality, so many rights have been won but there are more steps to take.

In any case,  maternity leave policies have changed and evolved (in some ways...) from the time I gave birth. I remember when I took maternity leave, there was something about my leave that to this day still makes me cringe: calling a maternity leave a "part-time disability".  Perhaps some companies still call it that; the employee is able to get more time off when it is referred to as that. Perhaps it is just a matter of semantics, but words can have a powerful impact. It annoys me no end! A woman is bringing a new life into the world...NOT a suffering disability.  I will never forget that. But my leave had a whole different story....I never went back. That's a whole different blog for another day.

So I am a Baby Boomer and consider myself a part of "The Second Stage" of Feminism. Thank-you very much Betty Friedan...I've read that book cover to cover at least twice. The Generation X women, post baby boomers born after 1964, I understand are considered the "Third wave" feminists. It's a whole new ball game today with different struggles that women deal with both within the work force and on the home front.  Some women truly appreciate the strides that were made by the previous feminists, I like to think I do. Looking forward, it is encouraging to me to see changes like this in policy that truly help to equalize both sexes. It helps to look back, too so we can see how far we have come. Keep plugging away, but also count your blessings. #Minnesotapaternityleave #thirdwavefeminism  JES 

New Year's Resolutions? Keep on Writing...

Like most folks this time of year, I reflect back on what has transpired in the last year and also look forward to the promise of new and wonderful things ahead. I have thought about what I have achieved with my writing and what I hope to pursue in the coming year. I originally wrote this awhile ago, but am encouraged that some of my perceptions about the life of a free lance writer have actually "evolved" into perhaps a more realistic view. I've had a few articles published, completed my first book and had many ups and downs. Yet I have resolved to just keep plugging....

I am a Writer because I write, not to be defined by a paycheck. I have been published several times, but the “steady paycheck” for my efforts has yet to transpire.  I write about this today, because I know I have to come to grips with this myself, because I am the one that is most affected by attitudes of others and also my own introspective attitudes.  Attitudes that can be hurtful to me and undermine my inspiration.  Attitudes that can demean and feel condescending to me…if I let them.  So in writing about this issue that I am grappling with in my life, I am hoping it will help me come to terms with this.

 “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
― Confucius
 

I am loving what I do, but do not receive a regular paycheck: one of the risks you take as a freelance writer.  I love my life as a writer, so far so good.

Prior to beginning my life as a writer, I had been receiving a paycheck since I was 16 years old. Through the years the size of the checks have gone up and down, which is not surprising at all considering the variety of jobs I have held.  I never really thought about it too much, because I have always had a check, big or small, they have always been there.  When my husband took the plunge and decided to retire, and I knew we would be OK (financially stable) so I could pursue my passion of writing. This being said, it is not required of me to have an income, but I have yet to adjust to the fact that I don’t have one. Then here begins the Feminist argument that women should be self-sufficient in the economic realm. Through the years the value and true monetary figure of what has traditionally been described as “women’s work”, raising children and efficiently operating a household, has never been actually determined.  Which is not surprising because it is extremely difficult to put an exact monetary value on something that is an intangible concept.  In discussing this type of work, a woman is not producing a tangible, marketable product.  I know in my heart that women have made great strides in having the value of their work appreciated by society as a whole and not just other women with the same struggles. 

In the book “The Second Stage”, by Betty Friedan (a brilliant woman in my opinion!) she discusses the second stage of the feminist movement which seeks to end the polarization of feminism and the family, and also between men and women.  Published in 1981, when I was still in college and an aspiring journalist, her words really spoke to me, and really created a stir in both feminist and relationship circles. Even though it was written quite some time ago, the validity of it still rings true.  Some ideas she presented have evolved into every day, commonly accepted practices. Sadly, some of the tired, old attitudes still exist.  I have to review my own attitudes and find what works for me and also the people that I love.

So I come full circle with this discussion, trying once again to affirm that my value as a human being is not determined by the size of my paycheck or for that matter, if there is any paycheck at all! Especially as a woman, the people I love and take care of , the meals I share with them, the flowers I tend, the journals I create....all these things provide value and beauty in my world, and the world I share with those I love. That is better than any paycheck I could receive. Betty would be proud of me...and Maya too!

Friends for a Lifetime

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." Eleanor Roosevelt
I have been reflecting lately on friendships, both the ones I have had for years and new friends I am now making these last few months. In light of recent changes in my life, many of my relationships have changed.  Sometimes life changes open our eyes to ideas and new concepts...both the good things and some not so easy to adjust to.

After our recent move out of state, my husband and I are loving our new life; making adjustments to our new life style.  Things are all quite well and good, but my only complaint is missing my female friends: my girlfriends. Now some will say that after a certain age women should stop referring to their friends as girlfriends, it just seems juvenile, some might say.  Well I am of the opinion that certain acquaintances are just acquaintances, but others are elevated to status of being a close friend...a girlfriend. When I am 90 years old I hope to have girlfriends.  The importance of girlfriends in women's lives should not be underestimated.  A favorite author of mine, Anna Quindlen, speaks to this topic:
            "Ask any woman how she makes it through the day, and she may mention her calendar, her to-do lists, her babysitter. But if you push on how she really makes it through her day, or, more important, her months and years, how she stays steady when things get rocky, who she calls when the doctor says "I'd like to run a few more tests" or when her son moves in with the girl she's never much liked or trusted, she won't mention any of those things. She will mention her girlfriends."
                (From Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, Anna Quindlen)

Girlfriends! Never underestimate their value.

Just reading that paragraph gets me choked up because it makes me realize the support I have had from my girlfriends through the years and now we live, what feels anyway, so far apart.  I am making new friends with new activities, but we don't share the history and the same emotional depth that I had created with the women that I have known for 25 years.

I spoke with my Mom on this topic and as usual she has some sage advice on the topic. She brought me to the realization that I will never be able to replace the friendships of the women that I moved away from....they stand alone as unique relationships that I can always cherish, in their own right.  My relationships with them were created when we were all raising our children together, having those same commonalities. After the kids moved on...we still enjoyed many of the same things and shared wonderful histories always peppered with stories of: "Do you remember the time when..."
Now that I have accepted the fact that I will never "replace" my friends with new ones in my new area, I can move forward knowing that new relationships I develop with friends will be different. New girlfriends will be based on new adventures in my life that have yet to be determined. I will not be going back in time to when I was raising my boys, so the events that connect me to other possible girlfriends will be different. Yet in the same token, new friends would never take away from the memories and the joy of the relationships I have shared in the past. With each relationship we learn and grow....just adding another chapter to the book of our lives.

I will always hold in my heart, the wonderful relationships and memories of the women in my life.  We will see each other again, of course, but not as frequently, because of the miles between us. There are certain friends that even if you don't see them very often, the bond is always there. You just simply "take up where you left off".  The people that you know like that in life are such a valuable source of joy....treasure and nurture those relationships.

To treasure, always...wherever you may live. JES

Author's note: Just returned from a visit with my terrific girlfriends & so true...they will always have a place in my heart & in my life.

Can I like Meghan Trainor and still be a Feminist?

Pop music, looking sexy and feminism: can all those cultural schools of thought be together in the same room and still get along? It's a question I ask myself and it's a question that deserves to considered.

Recently I developed an appreciation for the fun, danceable music of Meghan Trainor. This year she won the Grammy for best new artist. (You go Girl!) Her lyrics and music are upbeat and sassy and I was compelled to buy one of her CDs. Most of her songs are empowering to women with a modern day slant encouraging women to be independent and defiant of societal constraints.  Her "All about the Bass" extols the virtues of positive body images for women: "I ain't no size two....You know I won't be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll. So if that's what you're into, then go 'head and move along." Love it. Thanks Meghan, it is great having that affirmation because I don't think I have been a size two since I was about 10 years old...if even then.

Meghan Trainor: Dear Future Husband

But, on that same CD she seems to be reverting to a 1950's housewife with "Dear future husband". Perhaps it is a little nostalgic and actually poking fun at stereotypes, but nevertheless sometimes it give me reason to pause. Here's just a snippet of the song:

Dear future husband
Here's a few things you need to know
If you want to be my one and only all my life
(Awwwww)
Take me on a date
I deserve it babe
And don't forget the flowers
Every anniversary
Cause if you treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buyin groceries, buy, buying what you need

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/meghan-trainor-dear-future-husband-lyrics.html

I know the song is tongue in cheek and meant to be all in fun, but sometimes it stirs up old feelings and the age-old battle of the sexes. Sometimes it is no wonder that men are perplexed on exactly how women want to be treated.  From a woman's viewpoint, I myself am conflicted on relationship issues, but I do know certain things I do expect and hope for. Like equal opportunities for both men and women in the workplace and shared responsibilities on the domestic front. There exists that double standard that women are either sexy or intelligent but they certainly can't be both in the same person.

My first real exposure to the societal outcry to this conflicting standard and feminist ideologies in general was in a college classroom.  I took a class entitled: Feminist Theory and really learned so much from the class, but there was an element that made me quite uncomfortable: I liked Men ( and still do!).  The majority of the women in the class identified themselves as "radical, lesbian feminist".  It was a shame that I almost felt apologetic that I was heterosexual and I had many men that I considered good friends.  Yet this was in the early 1980's and I believe feminism has evolved in leaps and bounds. You can like men and still be a feminist. You can be Gay or Straight and be a feminist. And Yes, you can shave your legs and still be a feminist. Those old ideas of what it means to be a feminist have hopefully disappeared, and the basic belief that men and women should have equal opportunities is the defining factor of a feminist. I guess it saddens me when people categorize the concept of being a feminist and lose sight of the original premise of feminisim in the first place. Kate Nash said it well:

 e husband
Here's a few things you need to know
If you want to be my one and only all my life
(Awwwww)
Take me on a date
I deserve it babe
And don't forget the flowers
Every anniversary
Cause if you treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buyin groceries, buy, buying what you need

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/meghan-trainor-dear-future-husband-lyrics.html

"Fluoride Feminism"

"Men weren't really the enemy -- they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill."--Betty Friedan

Is Feminism Relevant today? I have my own answer to that question, but I am enjoying
searching the ins and outs of the topics one covers when pondering that question.  When on a college campus in the late 70's, I was at the tail end of the feminist revolution of the 60's and in the midst of what Betty Friedan called the "Second Stage" of Feminism. Friedan advocated growth for both men and women and support for the family unit. Feminist ideals have always been important to me, and learning what women before me have struggled for has been important: I don't ever want to take for granted those everyday liberties that women use.
In conversations with women younger than myself, I frequently get the impression that the concept of Feminism is strictly an "historical" reference in their lives and not relevant to day to day living.  I believe Feminism should not be relegated to the history books, there is more growth needed.  Each generation can learn from the evolving precepts of Feminism.
  In  their book: Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future,Jennifer Baumgarnder and Amy Richards, (both born in 1970) write: "For anyone born after the early 1960s, the presence of feminism in our lives is taken for granted. We scarcely notice that we have it--it's simply in the water."
 The development of some of the feminist ideals should not remain stagnant.  So that is why I read about, write about and talk about feminism today. More thoughts to come....