De Rail the Train

 There's is an old adage that folks say in jest: when someone claims to have lost their "train of thought" then the jab back to that is: "it never left the station".  In my case that is sometimes true, but sometimes the train has gone barreling down the tracks racketing out of control.  I have always thought of myself as an optimist, but sometimes I have a hard time keeping my thoughts both on track and headed a positive direction.

I originally wrote this blog in September of 2021. At the time, I was dealing with my mother's declining health, her transition to assisted living and on another aspect of my life: the continued rejection of my book from book sellers. (Almost purely because of my choice of publisher, not the content....now tell me is that fair?!?) I was a wreck, my self esteem was at an all time low and I doubted almost every decision I made. I never meant to publish this, but the lessons I learned, and taught myself, become helpful in learning how to cope with stress. My Mom, who died on Christmas Day of 2021, would be proud of me for "journaling" these stressors and perhaps disseminating to others ways of dealing with stress. So here is what I was thinking last September, but the lessons I have learned from stress and grief are valuable today:

De-rail the Train

Staring at the ceiling and watching how the shadows play on the textures there. Lying comfortably and making the effort to flex, then relax my muscles in anticipation of sleep. Much needed sleep.

I practice my meditation breathing. Inhale through the nose, Exhale through pursed lips. Always makes me think of my Lamaze breathing so many years ago….

And as a woman of faith, I know that prayer helps ....in addition to the breathing exercises.  I frequently practice a mantra I heard a few years ago that really helps me feel the comfort of God's spirit with me. When you inhale think of "Grace"...inhaling the Grace of God.  When you exhale think of giving away your burdens or "Pain" to God. This does wonders for me, and helps you stay focused if you are trying to relax and go to sleep.

I close my eyes thinking that will turn off my brain just like a light switch, but it is at these times that it just opens the flood gates of thoughts in my mind and allows them to flow in all different directions.  Formulating so many different scenarios. When the tracks of my mind allow the train to accelerate to scenarios that are about the “worst case scenario’, I find myself demanding to “De-rail the train”. As strange as it sounds, I find myself repeating the mantra: De-Rail the Train until I get the disturbing, negative scenarios out of my head and bring myself back to reality. It only takes a simple tap on my forehead and once or twice repeating the chosen mantra to help me.

In addition to a mantra, to help me remove negative scenarios, especially if it is things I have absolutely no control over, there is nothing quite as helpful to me as the joy of beautiful photography. Both in taking it, and viewing others art. One can't help but have a sense of peace and Zen when looking at a photo like this one:

  Some people claim that if you think the worst, and things turn out better, well….then you will be pleasantly surprised.  I don’t think that philosophy works well for me.  It just makes me have a better descriptive image of the worst case scenario and doesn’t do anything to alleviate my worry. For me, it is better to pray, and also to remind myself of several bits of key advice that I have discovered in learning how to cope with stress.  Some may view them as empty platitudes, but for me they bring comfort and guidance. The first is from 19^th Century French novelist Balzac:

 

The next is from Kahil Gibran, author of the Prophet:

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

This is something I should pay more heed to. It is good to plan for the future, but knowing that things can change is important to remember and many of those changes we don’t have control over.

So as I write these words I think of Jeannie, it would have been her birthday today. I hope and pray that you have found the peace you were so desperately looking for here on earth. May you and Alex be at peace. I think of you more often than I should and pray your souls, and my peace of mind....can finally be at rest. 

Perhaps sometimes I need to heed my own advice about finding peace.  I hope anyone reading this can find a little glimmer of hope and some wisdom in learning to deal with the many stressors that inevitable come our way.  Strive to be Happy and don't forget to breathe.