Does Grief burn calories?

Painting by Jill Battaglia

 I am exhausted all the time...I can't help but wonder: does Grief burn calories? I certainly hope so. I woke up this morning with the intention of going to the gym, trying to get my life back to normal...I am exhausted all time. I sleep and I still wake up exhausted. I am doing all the things I am "supposed" to do: eating healthy, trying to sleep, limiting my alcohol and I just can't seem to fit in EXERCISE. This too shall pass, I know my grief is young and I have to work through it. In the mean time I am trying to take care of myself.  So here I am doing the thing that brings me peace...writing. Ironically, the day I decided to provide myself some self-therapy by writing, is exactly one month to the day that my Mom died peacefully...on Christmas Day.  There are mountains of paperwork on my desk with tasks that I need to take care of, but just for a few hours today I will sit and write. Mom would have liked that...she knew how much writing means to me. She read all my blogs and articles. Now that she is gone, I frequently wonder if anyone at all, other than myself, will read the words on this paper.  Nevertheless, it is good therapy and cheaper than drugs. (Albeit just as addictive)

I woke up this morning, sore and stiff. Yesterday, I had shoveled a light snowfall off the driveway (Hubby did the other half), light housework and some work on organizing Mom's memorial service. Nothing too taxing...so why am I so exhausted? The clincher was when I woke up to see that it was 13 degrees below zero, no gym for this gal today. Call me a wimp, but I am going to do the thing that makes me feel great...writing. I have so many other things that I should be doing, but writing helps give me clarity and focus, not to mention keeping my mental health intact. Keeping my sanity is tantamount to burning calories and losing that pesky weight I have been trying to get off for about the last 10 years.  If I completely lose my mind, would it really matter if my jeans fit too tight?

          I understand that grief comes in stages and it ebbs and flows just like waves on the ocean.  Just when I think I have myself together, the tiniest little thing, seemingly insignificant memory will make me spiral into sadness and tears. It reminds me of this poem that I came across that really has helped me make sense of at least part of the process of grieving:

          “You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once”  by Donna Ashworth

 You lose them over and over,

sometimes many times a day.

When the loss, momentarily forgotten,

creeps up,

and attacks you from behind.

Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,

they are gone.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,

and as you awaken, so does your memory,

so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,

they are gone.

Again.

Losing someone is a journey,

not a one-off.

There is no end to the loss,

there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,

when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,

they have a journey ahead of them,

and a daily shock to the system each time they realize,

they are gone,

 Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,

you lose them every day,

for a lifetime.